Nightmares & Daydreams

A bright light wakes me up, I’m naked in the middle of nowhere. I look at my hands they look orange, I have no nails and four fingers. I feel confused that’s not how I remember myself I look at my feet and I have two fingers also orange and a little covered in mud as if I had been walking for hours. My heart starts beating fast I feel teary and scared and in my mind, I remember my mother and I calm down. I breathe in and out and try to be rational, it’s okay don’t panic I say out loud but the voice I hear isn’t remotely close to mine.  I panicked and ran, the ground is full of grass and wet, that’s not how I remember grass to be this grass is blue and smelly, I run even faster my feet hurt I feel exhausted still keep running I don’t want to face reality, I hope this is a dream actually a really disturbing nightmare and I want to wake up, I say to myself, wake up, wake up while I run, but I just can’t wake up and my feet are still hurting, I’m out of breath, I can’t continue runn...

Same demons! Those have been following me ever since I can remember: I seem to write about them and their influence on me over and over again. They seem to be the only consistent thing throughout the years. Me, fighting against them, they enjoy their toll on me, then we hug and laugh about how miserable we are and how in a very twisted way we only have each other. I hate them most of the time but they’re just doing their work, how can I judge them? They excel in what they do, all that they produce in me makes me who I am. We’re a dysfunctional couple but we are together anyway. I double-think my feelings they are the only powerful words and I get carried out for what I think I should feel when they are around. I feel everything and then nothing, I don’t know if I block it or it just happens. When everything seems a little obscure and boring I find drama appealing and refreshing, just a way to be reborn. ________________________________________________________________________________...

See the people passing by while I’m dissociating away from my body, I’m no longer human, I’m inhabiting a body but I don’t belong to it. I can see through his eyes, move my hands through his hands, breathe in and out through his lungs but I’m not him, he’s just a vessel. Everyone moves, I’m just an observer. ....